Wednesday, January 31, 2007
its a good start of the year i guess.. at least, i don't feel any bad things coming around.. i'm just happy as i am.. ahahaa~~
i guess, there's a lot of unavoidable things that jet start the year but 2007 is definitely a year i want my best to be. at least i hope..
laughs* so, whether i do well or not.. definitely, i'm trying my best. to headstart, i starts attending church. its not by coincidence i guess, and the feeling of being called back to church is definitely a good one. i love being loved, i can't deny that. and though it might be a small step to break out of my world, i'm happy to do that. like i said, its unavoidable, once its comes, you just gotta do it!
i guess, i love my christian life, i just like it. its so hard to maintain it, but i just have to do it. being an art student is so hard to balance both, but somehow, i still lingers after that feeling of being able to hope. to hope for something different and transforming to happen to me. its a great feeling, even though sometimes i know, the ending might be still the same, but the process of hoping for these things to happen is just fabulous you know~
anyways, my new cell group started off with me, frankie, sk and erny, caleb and kunquan.. it was a humble beginning i guess.. people then comes along and it grew slight bigger. i have lots of qualms about it and i still haven't voice them out. after more than 4 years of blogging since 2002, i realised that most of what i said here was often taken into consideration in real. so, its better not to say too much, as much as i hope most of them wouldn't read this.. but i do not want to hurt people as much as i don't want them to hurt me. oh yeah, i'm a hypocrite.
well, 2002 to 2007, after so many years, that incident still lingers. i guess the hurt and pain is over, but the scar has marked my heart. i can never remove it, or pretend to forget about it. i just face it, look at it and smiles whenever. its something i want to do it this way, cos its stupid to just feel the pain all the time. i guess what really hurts me was the time to heal that wound. i made myself so depressed that even aftermath was so terrible that till now, i had unconsciously suffer from it. i kind of started to hate mixing around and i love to do things alone. its a good feeling somehow and i realised the importance of standing up myself. because, in my whole lifetime, i've decided not to rely on people too much, cos this reliance is gonna hurt everyone and even myself in the end. cos throughout the so called life process, you can just rely on everyone all the time. you know, people rely on people so much, they only pain themselves. you know its okay to watch a movie alone, you know its okay to eat alone. it doesn't matter what the strangers think or what your friends think. its how you feel. if you feel great doing these, then its good! because, i'm born not to entertain others but to live a life with myself. and of course, as time permits, my hearts wrench opens again, i will slowly come back and say.. with God as my center. i need time. xD
this year, i'm going back to nagoya once again i hope. and this year, andy, sandra and andrielle signs up for it too. i'm really excited about it. because, i really want to go back to meet with all the friends i've made, to rediscover my passion again and to target to put my life with God back on track. of course, i don't mean to do it there, i meant to put back my life with God back on track from now. the new group is gonna be exciting if we're all posted to nagoya once again~~
school is something that is troubling me right now.. sigh~~
anyways, i miss my cute old cousins.. i hope i'll be able to go back to malaysia for chinese new year this year. its something i look forward to every year. except, i hate to go back to malacca, if not, i love
cha shan...
liten shan@
6:21 PM
