Sunday, March 05, 2006
woohoo... i haven't been blogging for month.. guess this sentence do sound familiar to everyone who reads blogs, this is a darn common phrase people use to open up their abandoned blogs.
well, since blog became a trend, i rarely blog, but at times, i really wanna voice out some of the feelings that has bottled up in me.. in my mind right now, i've got so many rubbish clogging up and i really need to release them all at once.. oh well, here is a good place.. since i've started blogging in 2002, i am another typical blogger who just release their fustrations and disappointments.
anyways, i can't go to japan this year.. sigh.. this has been blasting my head for months now... one thing.. i really miss that place.. i guess, i really love that place.. maybe staying in singapore for too long has overcrowded my mind and body and soul.. maybe i'll iimmigrate there one day.. well, what is my ultimate purpose? being a christian? or living a christian life? i don't know..
my best friend.. i guess, i barely talk to her anymore.. well.. seems like there is this change of attittude when we see each other.. i don't know... sometimes we take things for granted, not realising that we cannot keep up with changes.. be it weilin or sinlee.. it doesn't matter.. am i still running on the spot or have i grew a bit? or am i moving too fast or i'm a pace slower? questions questions... well, i still have no answers...
cousins are living blissfully happy now.. i'm happy.. cos they are... they are my only friends in the world that time and tide can never washed our bonds together.. no matter what.. i'm trying my best to keep up.. well, i really think i've slowed down a lot.. what am i thinking? i don't know.. guess everyone is different...
my studies.. well, design students barely study.. we just do! but the hard fact is banging my head now.. i am gonna fail a subject and i might need to pay hundreds.. i'm worried.. i hope to find a job soon... well, i know myself.. i'm relying too much on my dad's income.. but i really hope to find a suitable job right now.. sigh...
the above is evident enough to prove that i've slowed down.. when can i ever keep up with this ever changing world.. can i keep up with this kinda pace? or should i go according to my own ones? am i fated and destined to be a designer? i don't know.. i'm just gonna do it and see what comes out from it.. i'm worried and scared~~ but what can i do? i don't know..
i know i'm a dark person.. i realised some of my paintings are pretty dark or plain narcissistic. i guess i love myself too much.. my hair perhaps? but i'm still mulling over depressive matters and dark issues in my life.. i am feeling empty inside out. how i wish i could seek solace from people whom i thought i could.. well, it just didn't work out eh.. i guess so.
brother bought a new mobile phone.. pfft~~
i am utterly depressed now.. i can sense it.. not over matters from the past. but maybe because i've never really interact with people like before anymores.. i'm utterly depressed. i was talking to zen about myself locking up myself in my room and my loner attitude.. well, he gave me some feedbacks and advised me to talk to people. i guess talking.. i talk craps.. but.. sometimes, i just don't know what to say.. i'm feeling too empty.. i need to go somewhere.. but where? sigh~ this kinda feeling is growing stronger.. its like a monster inside me growing bigger and bigger.. to a point i'm going to breakdown soon.. i guess school has been insane.. that's why i'm on the verge of breaking down. if i break down.. i'll probably cry like a baby.. sometimes, i really wish i would do that though.. sigh..
i lock myself in my room.. and the funny thing is, i don't like to get out. i' m weird eh? people at my age is trying to get out of that tiny room of theirs and here myself, i'm trying to lock myself in. i guess, i'm waiting for opportunity to explode one day.
i like the movie fearless... i like jet li's movie.. and this is gonna be he last.. i'm gonna cry~~~
yes... i am easily moved by these kinda things and i tear.. but when events and situations happens, i barely cry... unless of course, i'm suffering from nervous breakdown. which happens pretty often though.. i'm not as tough as i look like... i don't act tough.. i just ain't not that tough.. but i guess, in some ways, i've grown up. to be stronger.. to be more nochalant about many things.. to leave them alone.. and not be bothered by it.. cos i know, some things are really not worth my attention.
i need to go somewhere to release the overworked mind i have right now.. now, i'm clouded with thoughts that ain't helping me but giving me strange headaches.. sigh.. literally..
i'm in love with my bed~ woohoo~~ futon sofa bed!!
in case no one knows, i am using a new computer i got months ago and~~
while typing, my chest hurts.. the muscles contracts and i had to struggle.. i think i've overworked and is uber stressed now.. i think i'm really stressed~~~ sigh~ i know it if i'm stressed..
sigh~
patience wars with angers.. and makes my blood trembles... quoted from shakespeare's R and J's..
liten shan@
5:16 AM
