Friday, September 23, 2005
walking down the corridors, i looked back and yellow blurry lights coming out of my living room and brother's room strucks me. a sense of belonging i once had in my room, now, i hardly have time for it. i struts down the path and crosses the black and white lines which has been repeated for more than a thousand times. i wander aimlessly around, searching for the person i'm meeting. standing under the twisted girdles shield, sinlee was standing right there. i was clear that this has been the process for the past few months... perhaps, years.
late night talks has always been my intiative, till recently, she talks more than i do.. and i have not initiated this meeting for a long time. i guess she talks more now... what can i do? but to listen to her stories over and over again. and when i speaks, i don't get the attention i want. i stop immediately...
walking down the corridors, alone. i thought to myself, what should i write? i tried to pen down my thoughts but i was blank. nothing came out except, "walking towards the 711 direction" in chinese. figure drawing teacher wants us to do a book form of expressions with a storyline. i always thought i'm good with words, but i thought sinlee would be better.. then i remembered someone once said.. that if i want to sell my works, i should do myself. i guess i will. fortunately, i can use chinese to write. i guess i'm better with it. i have no idea. i aspire to be someone great. well, actually, i aspire to have a normal life with great friends and a good home. typical eh? but there seems to be an ambitious mark i have to make in my life. i thought it was difficult when reality sets in. but i thought again, i'm going to make it. maybe not now.. not 5 years down the road, but according to my own standards and markings, i'm going to mark down all beautiful places in the world and let the world see things through my eyes. whether its a beatiful scenery, or a simple thing, or a person with a cute expression, i'm going to take it down. i don't aspire big~ but enough for me and my family.
i guess when i becomes melancholic, its partly because i'm got horrible pits and tremendous peaks... i get lots of strange mood swings in the past and recently, i've been containing my anger and anxiety. i've been suppressing it so much that i tend to flare small tempers to my classmate. in it, i have fears that i would repeat that incident 3 years ago. time really flies. 3 years already... sometimes i feel that the fear of repition surpasses the possibilities of happening and that is the probable thing that is clinging onto me. it was difficult. still is. times when i look back and see what has happened for the past 3 years, i shudder to think, how much time i have lost to gain back what i have lose. it was a bad deal in the beginning and still is. i bought it at the wrong price. it was to heavy to pay.
well now, i love what i'm doing. strange enough, i may yak a lot but, i'm more wary of people around me. i don't get all to emotional and stuffs. i tend to brag alot to cover myself much too.. though i don't know why i do that but i guess, that's me. so love me for who i am. *smiles*
now, i gotta think of story. i guess... my own story. to let others see the stories i want to relate, i have to share mine first.. jia you le~
liang liang is coming next week... yay~ my cute cousin~
liten shan@
11:42 PM
