Sunday, September 04, 2005
i wish i could say something but i couldn't.. it seems like something is trapped inside me.. in it, its yelling out to me.. but only me... why is it so hard to comprehend? is it because the waters are shapeless? or is it because the clouds are formless? i have no idea... but deep within me, i know the answer... am i still living in denial? or am i facing it right now?
nostalgia... looking at some photos jody took, reminded me of my love for nagoya... reminded me of joyce's testimony.. proves to me so strong and convicting.. if God is for me, who can be against me? i have always thought that i knew the answers to the questions... or do i? i have no idea... sometimes, i try to run.. try to avoid that insecurity. i know. i know its not within my jurisdiction, but i can't help it.. sometimes, i just have to learn to let go.. of the things i've held on so tightly... the past. its difficult though... though i still feel that i've let go of the hurtful ones that are clear to the surface, but subconsciously, i know.. deep within me, i've bore hatred.. resentments.. towards my church friends... doesn't matter who.. from josh's batch to whoever, that little ball rolled.. from a dot to a baseball.. from a baseball, to a basketball.. i know, if i never handle that properly, i'll drown.. in a glass of lemon juice, slowly dissolving.. and finally, soluble...
i don't just want to be a drink. i want to be water.. that is shapeless and everflowing... moving~
its been 3 months ever since i last went to church... all the excuses i give are soon to be symptoms of a typical backslider.. i yearn so much to go back.. sometimes, its not that i don't want, but i couldn't.. i needed someone to prompt me from behind.. in the end, i get a stab... or should i say, i got one... it was painful.. that stab left me on the spot for a while.. i need healing, where is it? i think.. i'm ok... as usual... i let it go.. but, that ball is still rolling..
one day, it will burst into flames and hurt everyone that comes in contact with it.. or, it will just burn and turn into ashes... who will lit it? and then extinguished it? i have no idea again.. i.. don't know.
michelangelo painted the sixtine chapel.. took him some time to get his inspiration.. took him years to finish it..
how long will i take to finish my photograph?
then again, 2 months has passed.. school has come to a term break.. finally, i get rest... this, i realised is very important to me... rest.. i've been so busy lately that i hardly get to breathe.. all in all, all i can say is, i can't commit to more that school.. and more than school and monthly nagoya prayer meetings.. did anyone tries to understand? or try to force me into thinking again?
God gave us life... i'm sure, He doesn't want us to abuse it.. i've decided to go back to study.. and this time, visual arts.. if this is the case, i really don't know what to do at times...
i want to go back to Nagoya to do full time...
i'm serious.
liten shan@
4:05 AM
