Friday, September 30, 2005
http://ady.arblog.com.tw is my chinese blogsite.. there are really lots of wierd pictures i've uploaded.. hehe~
anyways, i realised that i've been idling around.. hehe... ok~ that's not the point...
yesterday, i had an ugly scene with my teacher who teaches figure drawing.. not that i'm a horrible student or whatever.. not that i'm loud in class or a joker anymore.. just that the words he uses smeared my reputation pisses me off... i mean, how could he say such insolent things.. its ridiculous... its ok if he draws a ugly me that is horrible enough to hurt me.. but what he wrote after that angered me... i yelled, kicked the chair and left... and he still thinks he is right.. i told my dad exactly what happened... we wanted to complain to the principal, but i thought since he has been quite gracious when i handed in my assignment late and he let me off... but that was the last straw.. and he expected me to say sorry.. my classmate, the older one, told the teacher, "teacher, if it was me, i would be angry.." and really, he said he says sorry and i did that and what i did show him disrespect, but i didn't hear his sorry.. and even if he did... what is a sorry when he continued drawing? he didn't even showed me respect in the first place when i asked him to stop, and now he wants justice? i told my dad to forget it but i did tell him what my friend said. my dad was like, he better be happy that i don't hit him... well, i was totally depressed initially, but i thought, no point getting all so worked up over that scum.. i kinda reach an agreement with myself that i won't bring school matters home since i started school... so, this is what happened...
i would still attend his lesson and hand in my homework.. but i will not talk to him nor listen to him anymore.. pfft* a teacher he call himself.. more like a boor~
liten shan@
5:02 PM
Friday, September 23, 2005
walking down the corridors, i looked back and yellow blurry lights coming out of my living room and brother's room strucks me. a sense of belonging i once had in my room, now, i hardly have time for it. i struts down the path and crosses the black and white lines which has been repeated for more than a thousand times. i wander aimlessly around, searching for the person i'm meeting. standing under the twisted girdles shield, sinlee was standing right there. i was clear that this has been the process for the past few months... perhaps, years.
late night talks has always been my intiative, till recently, she talks more than i do.. and i have not initiated this meeting for a long time. i guess she talks more now... what can i do? but to listen to her stories over and over again. and when i speaks, i don't get the attention i want. i stop immediately...
walking down the corridors, alone. i thought to myself, what should i write? i tried to pen down my thoughts but i was blank. nothing came out except, "walking towards the 711 direction" in chinese. figure drawing teacher wants us to do a book form of expressions with a storyline. i always thought i'm good with words, but i thought sinlee would be better.. then i remembered someone once said.. that if i want to sell my works, i should do myself. i guess i will. fortunately, i can use chinese to write. i guess i'm better with it. i have no idea. i aspire to be someone great. well, actually, i aspire to have a normal life with great friends and a good home. typical eh? but there seems to be an ambitious mark i have to make in my life. i thought it was difficult when reality sets in. but i thought again, i'm going to make it. maybe not now.. not 5 years down the road, but according to my own standards and markings, i'm going to mark down all beautiful places in the world and let the world see things through my eyes. whether its a beatiful scenery, or a simple thing, or a person with a cute expression, i'm going to take it down. i don't aspire big~ but enough for me and my family.
i guess when i becomes melancholic, its partly because i'm got horrible pits and tremendous peaks... i get lots of strange mood swings in the past and recently, i've been containing my anger and anxiety. i've been suppressing it so much that i tend to flare small tempers to my classmate. in it, i have fears that i would repeat that incident 3 years ago. time really flies. 3 years already... sometimes i feel that the fear of repition surpasses the possibilities of happening and that is the probable thing that is clinging onto me. it was difficult. still is. times when i look back and see what has happened for the past 3 years, i shudder to think, how much time i have lost to gain back what i have lose. it was a bad deal in the beginning and still is. i bought it at the wrong price. it was to heavy to pay.
well now, i love what i'm doing. strange enough, i may yak a lot but, i'm more wary of people around me. i don't get all to emotional and stuffs. i tend to brag alot to cover myself much too.. though i don't know why i do that but i guess, that's me. so love me for who i am. *smiles*
now, i gotta think of story. i guess... my own story. to let others see the stories i want to relate, i have to share mine first.. jia you le~
liang liang is coming next week... yay~ my cute cousin~
liten shan@
11:42 PM
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
met jayne alongside guilin and the guys yesterday and the day before... for dinner and chit chat session.. didn't really last long but it was pretty good.. there's still some bitterness in me whenever i see them... well, doesn't matter... different lives, different people...
anyways, probably this blog will be on hiatus... although inshane.blogspot has been accompanying me for almost 3 years, i prefer to blog in chinese.. less you are interested to read, go to
http://ady.arblog.com.tw .. if you are not.. then its ok~ once in a while, i'll still blogggg in blogger.. if not, you'll see me in
chinese blog then..
liten shan@
2:30 AM
Sunday, September 11, 2005
from a friend who has been affected by hurricane katrina...
sorry i haven't been online much.. i have been occupied by this hurricane that hit here. still without power/water but i am surviving with military meals and water from rivers and creeks. hope that you are still doing well in school and stuff. hope to hear from you soon.i was horribly worried that he might be dead before i read this message he left and now, phew...
things you'll never predict when it happens.. kinda learnt something from it, you'll lose that someone anytime from now... you'll lose yourself anytime from now... so, live a life that is without regrets or hesitation... that's what i feel... no point looking back now.. cos you will never know what will happen next..
look messaged me on friendster to tell me she's getting married.. i was like.. hmm.. why have i been receiving this kind of messages from the US.. aargh~ i need to start praying.. sigh~~~
liten shan@
3:08 AM
Sunday, September 04, 2005
i wish i could say something but i couldn't.. it seems like something is trapped inside me.. in it, its yelling out to me.. but only me... why is it so hard to comprehend? is it because the waters are shapeless? or is it because the clouds are formless? i have no idea... but deep within me, i know the answer... am i still living in denial? or am i facing it right now?
nostalgia... looking at some photos jody took, reminded me of my love for nagoya... reminded me of joyce's testimony.. proves to me so strong and convicting.. if God is for me, who can be against me? i have always thought that i knew the answers to the questions... or do i? i have no idea... sometimes, i try to run.. try to avoid that insecurity. i know. i know its not within my jurisdiction, but i can't help it.. sometimes, i just have to learn to let go.. of the things i've held on so tightly... the past. its difficult though... though i still feel that i've let go of the hurtful ones that are clear to the surface, but subconsciously, i know.. deep within me, i've bore hatred.. resentments.. towards my church friends... doesn't matter who.. from josh's batch to whoever, that little ball rolled.. from a dot to a baseball.. from a baseball, to a basketball.. i know, if i never handle that properly, i'll drown.. in a glass of lemon juice, slowly dissolving.. and finally, soluble...
i don't just want to be a drink. i want to be water.. that is shapeless and everflowing... moving~
its been 3 months ever since i last went to church... all the excuses i give are soon to be symptoms of a typical backslider.. i yearn so much to go back.. sometimes, its not that i don't want, but i couldn't.. i needed someone to prompt me from behind.. in the end, i get a stab... or should i say, i got one... it was painful.. that stab left me on the spot for a while.. i need healing, where is it? i think.. i'm ok... as usual... i let it go.. but, that ball is still rolling..
one day, it will burst into flames and hurt everyone that comes in contact with it.. or, it will just burn and turn into ashes... who will lit it? and then extinguished it? i have no idea again.. i.. don't know.
michelangelo painted the sixtine chapel.. took him some time to get his inspiration.. took him years to finish it..
how long will i take to finish my photograph?
then again, 2 months has passed.. school has come to a term break.. finally, i get rest... this, i realised is very important to me... rest.. i've been so busy lately that i hardly get to breathe.. all in all, all i can say is, i can't commit to more that school.. and more than school and monthly nagoya prayer meetings.. did anyone tries to understand? or try to force me into thinking again?
God gave us life... i'm sure, He doesn't want us to abuse it.. i've decided to go back to study.. and this time, visual arts.. if this is the case, i really don't know what to do at times...
i want to go back to Nagoya to do full time...
i'm serious.
liten shan@
4:05 AM
