Tuesday, September 07, 2004
busy missing people...
sometimes, when my friends say they miss their boyfriends in army... i really envy them because they get to see them in a week's time and i just don't get to see the people i miss for a long period of time...
probably i'm so used to missing people that somehow, a part of me has become nochalant about it... numb i must say. after all these years, i lost so many friends in malaysia. i don't even get to see my cousin that often... sometimes half a year and many times, once a year!
just feeling nostalgic... not wanting people to understand how i feel... just want to go back time a bit and re-enact the whole emotions sorta thingie...
well, i was thinking about some things this morning... sometimes, we want to forget the most excruciating pain inflicted on us. usually, we would go through all sort of emotions and self healing to elevate the pain. but often, we land ourself with big bumps and sink. we sink deeper and deeper into the sea of sorrows and often, with 90% chances of survival, we still want to sink. because its easier to sink than to swim upwards... to tread... and most often, its seems like a bottomless pit where you never stop sinking... wow!! that's so easy! the more i want to brainwash myself, the more i'm feeling it! sometimes, you wish it never happens... then again, reality is always different...
i always wishes upon a shooting star... knowing that i don't believe in all these, but i still want to do it. because its still a individual me... if i conform to the world, i'll never understand why Christ died on the cross... so, i decided a 'by faith' faith...
i don't know...
you know, my personality test shows that i am a rebel, a loner and a careful moderator! i am not trying to deny that nor feel proud of it. nor would i want to change it for nuts! i thank God for this personality that makes me so unique~ frankly speaking, i don't like to be different~ i know john wants to be different but i don't want!! because everyone wants to be different and that makes me one of them! eeuww... why with what people wants me to be!!
i guess during this sat service period, i've received many "counseling" and stuffs... you get what i mean with the inverted commas... i'm not trying to be mean but i never really took this period of time and convert them to rest days... i am trying just as hard to go to church and or sorts... you know, i can't do much! if people do not wants to accept me or talk to me, i can't say, "alright!! talk to me or i'll not come anymore.." hey!! that's not the reason why i came to church k!!
i am really thinking of what zhuyang is trying to say... hmm, i don't undertand why i have fit into his category of escaping from whatever... maybe we've known each other for a long time and i should have follow what they are doing... i fit into their stereotypical christian category... am i being defensive? i don't know... its so fustrating to come up with reasons and reasons and reasons to why am i like that? i just don't like to talk to people!! close friends and relatives can prove that i am quiet!! the only reason why i am so 'all out' to people out there is because i am insecure when i face them... i feel so eeuw!! that's why i am so willing to talk to them... but really, i really don't like to talk to people!! if keeping quiet means insecurities, well, if i'm quiet, i am so at ease!! cos, i'm not good in conversations... i'm not good in socialising and i just don't like!! can't i have a 'don't like' rights.. oh yeah!! all my personal rights are with Jesus... so what else do i have? nothing!! so don't bother me about all these... i know what i am doing k!! i've survived in wefc for so many years, do i still look like i don't know what i'm doing? i don't understand why i felt so obligated to come for those meetings and stuffs... let Him decide where i want to go okay?
so helpless... i think my worst fear is facing mister leng. i think i should talk to him about this one of these days... do i sound mean? well, i was never a goody two shoes... that's why i need Christ!!
i really hope to meet aki!!
liten shan@
3:32 PM
