Saturday, May 22, 2004
just thinking...
just having some flashbacks and stuffs...listening to a song by karen mok... sounds nostalgic.. yeah, bringing in moments i had when i was still living in kl.. its just that.. i just know that one day i will return back to where i was from... but throughout the years, i've made friends here... my foundations in life and whatsover is already rooted here... but i know things would be so much different if i didn't come here at all... in any way... i will still know God through my dad... maybe he won't drift away if he were still in kl.. whatever it is... the thoughts are tempting enough...
kinda feeling really blue.. its like i swallowed a stalk of rose and its thorns are pricking my heart right now... weilin was mentioning about her classmates just now... and i can really relate to her now!! its that painful experience with school people.. but i can definitely say that she didn't change.. but hurt throughout the process... i can surely say that this kinda experience is horrifying and death defying!! its just too much for me to bear then.. i was only 17!!
whatever it was... i tried as hard to run away!! but the problem keeps daunting at me!! "you cannot escape!!" and the worse thing is... i don't seem to be able to climb up again... its like its clinging onto me... i am not trying to forget! but then again, the hurt is too much for me to remember..
slowly.. the color is fading away... the flower is withering... i am still standing... yet, battered and bruise.. is that why i am so defensive of myself and hurt other people? its like, the harder i try, the results are often devastating... i just hate to say this... i just don't know how to love them...
not being able to love them... can i still love the japanese people?
if i can change back the time again and change the course of history... i would never break the glass... but if thats my fate.. i would rather give up my studies immediately than to continue my depression for another 10 months in school... but wouldn't it be different? i might be either be worse off or still the same? wouldn't it be a pity? well, that's not going to happen right?
i plan to go back to kl and relive what i lost...
liten shan@
2:51 AM
