Tuesday, March 23, 2004
just bored!
yeah yeah!! i hadn't blog for days... and lin even came by my place just to blog... but that doesn't justify me for ignoring my blogging habit with internet connection... just too lazy to type anything... or even go online... i have been missing in action and am so used to it right now... though riang and shin wonders at my disappearing act...
i am still waiting for the letter... i guess i have never in my life been so caught up in a thing or two before... i just hate the idea of waiting... and throughout the whole process... i decided not to attend anything related to church... although i have my reasons not being able to attend service... but the idea of relationship to church literally means... not thinking or harboring any other thoughts about it... yet! its just so hard...
many times... i wonder at my zeal of life... i look at myself... my room... what am i doing? what am i thinking? what kind of person am i? what kind of person do i want to be? well... whether its lousy or excellent... i don't care... no... not because i am aloof or anything... but its just so stupid... you know... to live up to people's expectations?! going to church on people's call is living up to people's expectation... and i hate it... i just hate the idea of being force to go to church... or being inspected upon or even be asked... why aren't you in church today... and then... they look for an answer... and expect an answer that is pleasing to them... but whether or not... they'll still act upon their instinct or intuition and answer back in the most ridiculous answer... "you could have... " or "you should have..." bah!! is not like i am going to be bothered... yet... it bothers me a lot...
conscience can be a killer bee... it stings you and leave you in pain... and slowly... death! sometimes... God's ways is indeed amazing~ can't imagine man... how he can create such inner i in us... spine chilling... a person's mind and inner i is the most scariest and creepiest thing on earth... and its in every one of us... and we cannot destroy it... it won't bother us... but when it appears... its the most painful experience one has to go through... richard smith used to say... "we have an inner i... we don't really know where is it... but it can be quite scary... " and really... i do not want to experience it man...
gen12ii started... and my life is going in all directions... i guess this year didn't started out that well for me... i am really struggling... you know... yet sometimes i don't know why i am... but its just so intact... everything hasn't change... yet i know i must... but i couldn't... its so tightly bonded together... its also a way of telling me... move on...
i have been thinking about those classmates i used to have as my 'brother'... kinda bothered me... its really an arduos journey... its not like i can totally forget... but its so hurting that whenever frames of insults and humiliation flashes across my mind... i just don't understand why people can just turn their backs on my after 15 minutes of drama... and that day... was the day i reconciled with xie ying hao... and that day was the day i knew i can never stand up again... i am so hurt. its just so hurting!! and whenever i look back... i just feel like killing myself... that's why i left ngee ann...
i guess that is really a big blow to me... i have never seen myself like that... the inner i is working... its taking over me... that's why i started to switch off the lights... cos its really not me... its so scary... whenever i am in the light... that self starts to take over me... and... i just hate it... i hate it!!!
probably that's what leads me to my sudden craze for food... is it depression? i really really really don't know... i just don't know...
i really want to change my cell group... its not like i do not like this cg... or maybe i do not like this cg... i mean... who does? when you are not around most of the time... and why am i not around... i guess... its just another question that will hang around for quite awhile...
shin is coming to my place... i have never been so excited before... this year... i have my struggles... my breathtaking moments... and someone to be there for me... and a kin to visit me... to be there to witness my inner me... i am really really really really elated... i am just so happy!!!
i have been hanging around with weilin for the past few days... but i really hoped that after this few days... he would spend more time with her tk... building up her relationship consistently is really very important... at least... she will be much more happier... and i know she loves her room a lot!! kinda like her place...
just a moment ago... i was thinking... so sad... i don't know any 'shuai ge' around... so defeated... yet i have many pretty girl friends... sigh~ and standing among them makes me feel so inferior... though that don't really bother me so much... or does it? haha... don't know lar... its all fated!!
when you give it all, destiny will prematurely end...
told joshua this... and he sounds all excited about it... good old josh...
i added raymond to my friendster and immediately received an email from me updating me with his newsletter and asking me about my leaving of school... replied and then... kinda thought.... "man!! i should have thought about facing all the consequences before i quit school... i only thought about my coming plans... but i didn't think of the oncoming questions asked by people..." so infuriating and fustrating... i just hate to answer the same question over and over again... more than 20 people have asked me the same question... sigh... and you know the butterfly effect? they ask one... i answer that one... they ask again... then more... than spread... then everyone knows... then funny questions and suggestions comes in... darn!
shin is coming to town!! hehe.. still thinking about it....
HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO WEESONG!! HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO WEESONG!! HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO WEESONG!! HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO WEESONG!!
actually its belated lar... haha...
oh gosh~ my eyes are getting blurried... so blurry... man... i better start treating it better... i don't want anything on my eye or in front of it... and shin is coming to town!!!
to do list:
1. checking d/o's
2. design certs
3. newsletter printing and adjusting
4. start on my new games!!
5. preparation for shin's arrival!!!!!
6. sleep.
liten shan@
7:07 AM
