Wednesday, February 04, 2004
depressed...
kao~ i blogged just now... but my damn brother used my laptop and closed the damn file before i could post it... darn... my dad can be too overbearing... i don't understand why am i obliged to help him count notes while my brother could do it... why must i always do what he says yet my brother can bend the law... yucks... i hate this... he came out and lectured me a while on my late night tv shows... he says that there is a lot of energy outside his room and thus affecting his sleep... rubbish!!! he only came out because my brother went into his room and woke him up... and that's when he hears the sound from the tv through the half opened door... darn~ i just hate the thought of it... he is so into geomancy that i can not recognize him anymore... to the hell with it... i am not going to hear any of his nonsence anymore...
but then again... it might be just because i am depressed... i can't think... i can't see... mom says my eyes had become blurry... spiritless... yet... i see nothing in front of me... so bleak... to the point of losing my faith... i don't understand anything anymore... not even God... not even myself... i am not saying i don't know Him... i am looking for other beliefs... though its funny how the things works especially once, i've hold onto the faith so tight... probably because i've never catch a breath before... probably its time to let go... funny eh...
i am starting to believe that my circle of friends has reduced to five people... they are lin, xh, chris, suemei and sinlee... i am starting to see my church mates are no longer the people i once knew... probably i've fallen behind times... whatever it is... i see that i no longer trust in any one of them anymore... except those i listed out... i see myself reducing it to three people soon... lin, xh and sinlee... sometimes... when we climb too high... we're often alone... the higher you climb... the lonelier you are... and when you fall... the more painful its gonna get... i guess... that's what i can see now...
i happen to be a headstrong and stubborn person... therefore... no matter what you say... or what anyone say... i'll remain nochalant about it... i never take in advice... i never like to listen to people's 'model answers'... be it zhuyang's... be it frankie's... nah... pointless... though, it does come from their heart... but sometimes... it become a cliche and you just start hating the fact... no... they are not leaders in my heart... my heart is too depressing... no one can ever be a leader in my heart... nope... i haven't see one yet... when that day comes... i'll blog...
i was walking back to home with dad when we were in malacca a few weeks ago... we bought roti canai and vaday... while walking past the ramada renaissance... we noticed a few odd people... then we crossed the road and we had to walk through the smelly drains beside city bayview... we saw an old man on a bicycle and he looks wierd too... dad then explained that the people over there look depressing and strange... and abnormal... was because melaka is an old city... many younger generations has moved to kuala lumpur... or singapore... and the place we lived in has one of the oldest people around too... the place has been bustling ever since admiral cheng ho came... but now... as the younger ones moves out... the town has become a place of old people... the worse was... they couldn't catch the pace of modern technology and hence... becomes deranged and eccentric... they choose to live in the past... they couldn't take the present times... thus... they are deranged...
which reminds me... i am becoming one of them soon....
liten shan@
4:14 AM
