Wednesday, January 21, 2004
finished!
but extremely sick... my ear still sounds blocked... i am having my annual mood swings... and i finished cleaning up the major quarters of my room... halfway cleaning up, frank called and asked me if i could join them for a chinatown walkthrough... agreed and sped up my actions... frank asked whether i had a great time? i don't know... i said yes... knowing my heart that i hate it... i guess...
hmm.. i am starting to feel neglected... i kinda realized that i'm not needed anymore... its like... someone smsed everyone excepts me... and the excuse? "i don't know to sms which number..." am i too oversensitive? i don't think so... i just felt that whenever she needed my help, she'll give me a call... and of course, asked for my help... but other than that... she will never asked me out... nor anything else... like an one on one kinda thingie... and i thought i was quite important in her life... i really don't know... i guess... i'm just depressed... crankiness acts up due to lack of sleep... probably...
i've been thinking about many things that are happening and had happened in my life... i kinda realized that i don't know a lot of things... i just don't know what i really want... at the moment... i'm really into visual communication... but a part of me... wants to commit suicide because i'm to lazy to live off myself... yet, in my inner self... i want to go out... but i just hate the fact that, i'm so poor... i've no opportunities... doors are closed... no windows... no nothing... not a beam of light can seeps through any chinks or corners into the room... its so dark... its like... Jesus is there... yet i cannot claim it... i cannot recognize Him... because its too dark... i'm starting to doubt my abilities... i'm starting to not trust anyone... or should i say... i don't trust anyone now... no one! not even zhuyang... probably not even weilin... not my parents... not my cousins... no... nothing... not even my pastors... nor mentors... don't even mention the girls in ok4724... no one... i am starting to enclose myself into an envelope laying on the table left untouched and not sent... i am starting to understand that i just want to be alone... not knowing anyone and sorts... yet a part of me yearn for someone... yet, i don't exactly know who the someone is... its just a fleeting thought... suddenly, the world seems so bleak... everything seems to be pointless... i don't even know why i agreed to go chinatown... but i detest that self... that self that conforms to people... that self that seeks affirmation... that self that looks stupid... that self that goes all down to serve... that self that goes in a group... i really don't know what am i doing?
i remember when i was a kiddo in kl... i was the best kid around... i just do whatever i like... i just do things that i like... i never freak out nor hides back... i just do it... i dare to do it then... but now... i really don't know... theoretically, i should forget and not even be bothered by the 'east coast' incident... but people always forget that i'm a human... i have my limits... i have my ideas... i have my thoughts... i have my world...
talking about my world... no one would want to enter it... its too dark and dull... yet a world of incredible thoughts of entreprenueurship, designs, films, photography... and they never stop at just a boss or whatever.. its an empire!! hahahaaa!! but then again... it can be of two extremes... it can be a quiet and lowly life... like my personality... two extreme character... either its too quiet and 'dao' or its too crappy... that's me!!!
liten shan@
5:09 AM
