Thursday, January 15, 2004
another passing day...
spend time alone in my room... as usual... kinda decided to clean up my room... halfway through, proceeded to west mall for an appointment made with weilin and xinhui... while crossing the road... i saw yifu, shuhui and muriel... kinda dampens my day... they gave me a super shocked face... as if like i'm gonna eat them up... as if that i'm gonna hog on to them... as if that i'm dead... drank bubble tea and lin taught xh maths... stoned down there for another 2 hours waiting for nicholas' call and smsing shaun... had a chat with them... well... more like they are the ones talking... all they talk were about relationships... i've never been into one... so, i just listens... the duo discussed xh's maths and about 10, we left burger king for home... lin met up with her tk... xh took a cab home and i walked to the interchange... i settled myself down on the stone slab and stone down there again... slowly, i saw a familiar face approaching... that was of alvin's... he asked whether i'm still studying... replied a no and he went away with his good friend... 947 came and he walked towards it... he said 'bye' to me...
its not like its so super significant that i'm making a fuss out of the 'bye'... its just that slowly, i'm starting to realize that i'm outta ngee ann... its just that, i've never imagined for the past 2 years, i've been thru so much... its pretty miraculous for a person like me with such kinda dark personality to survive this 2 years... its just so traumatizing that i'm starting to face it rather than just avoid it... i've been reading my testimonials... 90 percent of them described me of my personality for the recent 2 years... yet... not much on my past... so, what has my whole 18years and 11 months been like? i guess... i kinda classify it a file D... depressing... frankly speaking now... i'm really really depressed now... i'm seeping deeper and deeper into depression... its like a room without a door or a window... no light comes in... no light goes out... probably just a plant to keep me alive... but that is not enough... i know that there is this one man called 'Jesus'... but somehow, i can't see Him clearly... i don't know how to bare my heart to Him... all along... its just a verbal confession... but in reality, His peace, somehow, is still not transcended into my heart... i want to love Him wholeheartedly... but being brought up in two metropolitan city and being a cosmopolitan person... 10 years are not enough... not to mention the 13 years i've known Him... so, why am i still so depressed? i've no idea...
sometimes, bumping into people... meeting up friends... chatting in a group... or hogging the phone line for two hours can bring many many different insights... but at at times, it just dampens my days... i've been having mood swings lately... kinda miss someone... when will i ever meet him again? i've not seen him for about a year and a half... i wonder if he still remember me...
i am just depressed! don't bother me!!!
liten shan@
3:18 AM
