Wednesday, November 26, 2003
btefc retreat!
hahaha! i reached there at about 6 in a cab and the trio starts setting up the place... we had pizza for dinner together.... our worship had three guitarist this time... quite happening worship... the music was kinda great... i filmed down some parts.... when dad came and passes me my toothbrush and his company's digital camera... we then had an interview kinda thing and i was doing the camera work... wow! i just love filming... we then tried sleeping outside and started swinging... great time... when all of a sudden, i just burst into anger... i knew i will not be able to control my temper... sometimes, its just... "why am i in this cg?" kinda feeling... i really don't feel like one of them... whatever it is... i hate it...
so, i contemplate to go home by foot... probably i went goons and forgot that i had enough money for my trip... frank tried stopping me by brute force... and so are the rest... but i just want to go home at that particular time... i really love my bed too much... anyway, not wanting to upset aggie and jan... i went back with them... and tried being crazy as ever... well, i went in and started playing dan's guitar... i wanted to return him on that day... but he is on night cycling... anyways... aggie snuggled up beside me and rested... and frankie asked me to sit on the other side so as not to disturb others... feeling down and not being able to play as loud... i went to the swing... i was playing for a while when jan came... we started crapping and swinging to and fro... lao pa came and started playing the guitar i was holding on to earlier on... jan said she was tired and went in... so, lap pa~ as usual... keeps playing the same old guitar tune... which makes my head real dizzy... so i asked him to sit down and talked instead... kinda regret it... the whole night, except for the start of the conversation... which we talked about our ancestors and such... it sounded like a lecture... but the whole time, i was looking in front... there sat 2 girls... i came to a realization that i can never be like them... being engaged in a girl talk... i was so envious of them... and laopa has to break my envy by saying... "love is patient, love is kind... it does not envy and so on and so on..." and so we chatted till the dawn breaks and got up when the 3 Js are out... we went back to sleep... woke up and saw daniel wong playing a super nice song... and went back to sleep again... josh said he wants to leave early to pack up and the guys tried 'tao poking' him... he kicked my head instead... urgh... then josh, frank and laopa did an indian movie... chasing and looking for each other... haha... we then parted with some people and went five stars for chicken rice with jiehuai, frankie, aggie and jan... the five of us... and we parted after lunch...
in another scenario... the swing part....
lin and i are real good friends... or we can say best friends... though we differ a lot in many ways... but i never knew we share the same experience... she was in her class chalet and i know that her relationship with huixin has not been good at all... she went for her class chalet nevertheless and she felt left out... just like me... so, she went to the swing alone and started swinging... mark, then came and chatted the whole night with her till dawn breaks... and mark is such an ordinary person yet she found an ordinary friend to be there with her... she is down... yet she found a friend...
i went to the swing alone because i felt left out... and i by chance spoke to laopa and chatted for the whole night... isn't this such a coincidence!!! or i should say, God planned it all... because of this, lin and i shared a lot and realized that we can never have really girly girls talk... no wonder lin and i clicked for 12 years and we still are clicking...
*clicks clicks* anyway, the point is... i'm really drawn closer to God's miraculous destiny and even to my friend, lin... i'm not alone... at least... though tired, we still chatted on the phone...
today, we went tree abseiling... with the BBs and a GB... pretty interesting and fun... i got tangled by the ropes thrice... i think... haha! we went for lunch at west ave 7 and played pool at btp... i saw benjy from crusade... i bought a coat... i've always wanted to buy one but couldn't find the right one... i really love this coat i got... for thirty bucks... i played pool and won... though i'm off form... but its just a radical way to win... haha... eric and daniel took about an hour to play a game... whooah!
sometimes, i just don't understand... can't the guys be gentleman enough to treat or help pay... i'm really depressed... after all these years... all the hard work i try to put into every friendship and relationship between my cgs or even my keming people... it never worked... except for lin... the others never worked... after all these years... i'm just like a pawn... a slave... someone that can be taken advantage of... the so called care and concerns are just so on the surface... all the model answers i got... makes me wanna puke... disgusted... i don't know... its just a sudden thought... anyway, i'm only important in God's eyes... no other else... not even ok4724...
sometimes, i just hate myself... but most of the times... i hate people... at all times... i hate overnight stayover...
liten shan@
11:15 PM
