Saturday, October 25, 2003
crossroad
sigh~ frankly speaking... i don't know what to feel or how to feel... seems expressionless... motionless... nothing to say, do or feel... just empty... God knows...
what does that mean??? God knows...
sometimes i feel like saying... what is this? what is that? what am i? why am i here? why you? why my? where am i? and so on... God knows...
i am standing in the middle of a crossroad... 4 directions... with a sign leading to nowhere... another to school... another to God... another? back to malaysia... God knows...
choices! choices! decisions! decisions! in a lifetime, we make more decisions that watching tv... its not like as if i am in need of more... but more on what will be the outcome of my decision... God knows...
outcomes, consequences and results usually comes out from the decision we made... the effort we put in... and the will of God... so, what is mine? God knows...
i always think that we will never predict our future through the decisions we make... the consequences will not always be dire... but why is decision making so tough? God knows...
actually, i rather think that a hasty decision makes a person more easy... because, we are more adamant on admitting a mistake that we made so hastily... rather on a heavy weight dumb bell which is harder to break down but once broken, its pieces can never be piece together except through melting and refining and so on... so, what's the weight of my decision? God knows...
i remember when our cg started... zhuyang and i always go around and when we are hungry, we'll find a place to eat... but the service and structure of a food place in singapore is so much different than in malaysia... tired and hungry... i'll always say this to zhuyang, "whatever you order, i'll place the same order... except for internal organs and i want chili... so, i'll just sit here and wait... thank you!" i know by now you'll think i'm lazy... people might say i'm too lazy or too lazy to make a decision on what to eat... well, my decision is, "let him decide... " i'll have to decide to eat something i like or something i might not fancy... but the decision is small... that explains... whatever it is... i always rely on people... am i right? i never make my own decisions... am i right? God knows...
sometime, when i am alone... i really love to be alone or is it that i'm just running away from problems or facing the problem and retreating myself? i really don't know... sometimes, i really like to be with people... but most of the times, i love to be alone... why? God knows...
shuhui smsed me this afternoon and informed me about the upcoming class gathering... i replied a no immediately... why? i guessed from the past one year... i've learnt something... gone through something... and be someone whom knows more about herself... whatever it is... i am becoming more narcissistic... am i? God knows...
don't understand what i saying? God knows...
liten shan@
6:13 PM
