Wednesday, June 11, 2003
organized...
after spending a month here in sri cheeding, many changes had taken place and yes... i have changed too... i think...
i always think that putting oneself in other people's shoe is more important than any other thing else but putting
in Jesus' sandals is better... sometimes, i have to put myself in my own adidas... it all works out this way...
frankly speaking... its only when i am alone in the middle of dark dark night where i realize God's creation did not
come to naught... 6th uncle kim yaw bought a book recently titled 'a brief history of time' and whatever the title is
stephen hawkings... i knew that they want to stump me with this author but about 5 years ago, i officially owned this
book from my bee yong aunt... i was attracted to this book when i first lay eyes on it... the author is disabled due to
don't know what and he is the scientist that calculated big bang and dimensions and stuffs... he proved einstein theory
of relativity and did state that einstein did made some miscalculations... and this man can't move at all... except his
brain and 2 of his fingers... he is a genius... but i did not really start on this book... because i know i'll have a
of doubts and questions about God then... i knew then my faith cannot answers questions my doubts gave... that was five
years ago... so what about now? questions questions!!! i'm gonna start on this book soon... only when i am back in sg...
alright... God is calling me back... over here... i touched and hugged the bible... but i had and have not opened it
yet... strange enough... i've been doing some soul searching and self discovery without God's word... i pray all day
all night whenever spiritually i'm not right... hmm... i've seen and talked to a lot of people over the month... my
coussie yong look was the first priority when i was here... i'll attend to her whenever she needs help... we'll chat
before sleeping and we'll always talk about everything under the sky... it has always been a great time attending to her
needs and stuffs... after she is gone... shin will be the next priority... if she needs any help in her work, i'll be
there... if she needs to complain to someone... i'll be there to listen laugh with her... if she needs someone to laugh
at her not so funny jokes... i'll laugh with her... thank God for this 2 coussie... next on my list is so fun... she is
someone who know a lot about american stuffs... she has been there for 2 and a half years and she's back a guru...
to me... she is someone who know nuts about passion and reality... to her... engineering is a high income job... to me...
over here... you'll never be promoted and you'll never be happy... i am not a stick in a mud... but i am a stubborn old
mule... i know that people always say, 'oh! you'll regret it!!!' but hey! i haven't even tried yet... how do i know i'll
regret it... probably to many people... the prospect of a course is important... or probably even money has blinded
their bigger eyes... i don't know... i just don't want to listen to people who can't compromise with themselves yet
they want to give advice which they think will work out but will not work out for me at all... i want to stick to
something i want to do and i don't want to be 60 and say... 'i should have done that... i should have done this...'
i grew up in a city... not a kampong... i was born in a city too... i was educated in a city... a large city... i
have experience immigration... and poverty and stuffs... i have my childhood in a village... i am a bad tempered kid
then... and till now... i know my temper is still that bad... i do not really have whatever i want when i was young...
i have many many experiences that still freaks me out... all i have to say is... i am who i am... and what God made me
to be...
this past one month... i stoned and look around... the trees says... 'i am who i am... i am not a flower just because
flower says i should be a flower... i am not a bird just because owl says you look more like a bird and i'll sit on
you...' when i look upon the dark sky at night... "God... are You here?" no verbal reply... "am I still not you Lord?"
the Holy Spirit prompts... i realize that Father in Heaven is still not on the throne in my life... i freaked out and
call out to Him... "will You be with me at all times till the ends of the earth? will You pour the blood of Jesus
and protect me always! will You be here sitting beside me watching over me while those men talks... PLEASE!" Jesus
says yes and i am asleep within a few minutes time...
i am 18 now... a year and a half more year i'll not be a teen anymore... another year later, i'll be an official adult...
i've not much time left to be a teen... you know... things will never be the same again and me too... josh always says i
change whenever i am back from malaysia... so freaky!!
liten shan@
7:44 PM
