Thursday, May 01, 2003
i shall cultivate a good mind now...
i felt that i am quite mean to pris... i keep 'suarning' her.... okay... i shall be nice and kind to her since she is turning 21 soon... PRIS!! I'M GONNA BE NICE TO YOU!!! since you are getting married... don't give me that -_- look k... i'm serious... hahaha...
"san san!! stop it!!!" "but... but... i didn't even started yet..." i'm tired... i can't say i'm stress... i can say i am pmsing... cos its way past already... i think i am sick... yeah...
i was looking through my photo album where i saw my grandpa's candid shot that i took... i kinda miss him though he is dead for five years... not the recent one cos i still hadn't come to the fact that he's dead yet... anyway, i misses him a lot... tears rolled down from my eyes... and i'm totally quiet for now... these few days, i'm too tired to think much... i can only put down in words... i wonder... why can't i sleep... i shouldn't have attended the last h & d... many things just brought down to my mind... i'm quite tired of engineering... just now... when i was lying down on the floor enjoying the fan's cold breeze... all of a sudden, i don't want to study anymore... last time... when the east coast thing happened... i've decided to quit it all... but since pris and josh has been there all along... not to mention jules... i'd really tries to continue... but the two pillar is graduating... i'm definite they'll score well for their exams... so, i'll be alone... jules? he'll make me want to quit school immediately... sigh~ i'm just straightforward... hmm... sometimes, i wonder what God really wants me to do...
so, people... don't try to tell me maybe God wants me to do this or go through that cos that's what you want me to do... not God... most of the time, i'll shut myself off from everyone... my laptop is my companion though... but most of the time... even if i'm in my noisy living room... my mind is shut off... when i'm out... i'm shut off... i'll indulge myself in food... or i'll indulge myself in nonsensical nonsense... and i'll be so happy that everyone will ask me or say to me...
" san... you're happy today... " "san... why are you so happy today?" i 'll say...
"oh... cos today is the last day of school..." "oh.. cos i got myself a name..." "oh... because i spoke to pris today..." hmm... in actual fact... i'm shutting myself off... seriously... i don't know why am i like that... i have no reasons to be like that... in another words... its an unspoken depression... probably its because of my east coast incident... probably... its because its a childhood thing... there are many probabilities... but i don't know what! sometimes, when i speaks to joshua, i feel like a children... sometimes when i talk to ann, i felt that i'm working now... many mixed feelings and personalities... and i know its not good... but i can't control it... mixed feelings... the end...
i can't log in to npal system... to think ngee ann spends sixteen million sing dollar on a stupid system which doesn't work on crucial moment!
liten shan@
11:30 PM
