Friday, April 25, 2003
i feel so restricted to blog!!!
all of a sudden, i feel so restricted to blog... some things are not allowed to be shared due to issue of sensitivity... sigh~ sometimes, people see our blog and will question how we feel and stuffs when they see us... seems like there is no breathing space at all...
hmm... suddenly, i want to share what happened during last november, i had the wierdest month i should say... i went to my poly class chalet looking forward to fun!! and i mean fun... but whenever i hope to define fun, it turn out to be the most pathetic day of my life... alright, wierd though, but still it hurts... i had a heated argument with more than 10 uncouth and boorish and full of vulgur people swearing and cursing at me...just because in a fit of anger, i broke the glass door panel, they put me into shame... no one was there to pull me together... the people i once called best friends turn their backs against me... i am left with nothing... i called my dad to help me settle this glass thingie and you know what... i was humiliated for seeking daddy's help and not solving the problem myself... i went to the back of the chalet and called wayne... he was with his new classmates... same chalet...he came almost immediately and comforted me... i'd really like to thank him from the bottom of my heart... he pulled me through... though we had never been so nice to each other... but then, he shows his concern as a brother and a friend... i thank God for him... though he still treats me like a child... though he is only one year older that doesn't give him the right to bully me... oh what am i saying... alright... back to the incident...my dad came and solved the glass thing easily... hey!!! he is working in a glass company... of course he knows how to solve the problem... but he only solved half of the problem... the second half is my heart... my soul and spirit... i believe that by calling my dad, its the right choice... i am not afraid to solve that problem... but when it comes to the matters of the heart, i always fumbles... that month, my schedule was packed with camps and meetings for boys and girls brigade...but, after a few days, i couldn't take the hurt and decided to retreat back to malaysia... i realised i couldn't manage my emotions when i am in singapore... even till now... i am still hurt... i'll never forget that fateful day...
back in malaysia, the wierdest thing happened... i don't really know that event strengthens my faith or weaken it, but i know its an experience i'll remember... i stays at third uncle's place...one night,third uncle looks anxious... little do i know that this person he is waiting for is going to change my opinion in life... it was probably 1 am in the morning... he came with his disciple and son... he's relatively short and stout... his moustache makes him look like a sea lion... and he uses a nokia 3310... he drives a car... i think its... volvo... quite old... and he is a millionaire... more than a million i think... more than one wife... more than one car and more than one house... he comes, showing off his calligraphy and his duet... wow... i'm surprised... his boorish look doesn't link to his IQ... anyway, he practises magic... the ones used by zhuge liang... he uses magic to help mahathir locate a wanted man... he reads feng shui... and all sorts of eastern mysticism... he is a man of god... not God... god of this world and the evil world... surprisingly, during my stay there, i always listens to his so called preaching and his whatever stuffs... but inside me, was a struggle... i was praying at the same time and he is preaching his theories and his stuffs... to others, he is a saint... to me... he is a devil... i reject him deep in my heart... but i got in contact with the spiritual world.... not through him la... a struggle between the truth of God and his magic... one night, one of my uncle came and the man was there...and the wierdest breeze came... no... not a breeze... a gust of wind... the wind is not normal... we were at the tea hut... the tea hut structure is built with a roof only with no walls so as to be in contact with the nature... at night, if i were to put josh there... he'll freak out because when you look out... its the jungle where many things may happen... and its so dark and scary... just like the movies... but, i grow up there... so, its an enjoyment to be out there in the middle of the night... anyway... the wind came in all directions... strangely!!!! and i stand firm in the light of the Lord... or so i thought... but when i was there... many times, i felt helpless... its hard to feel the Holy Spirit's presence because the of that man... and the environment... in that village... too many people have died... the t junction of the road leading to either KL or Nilai is filled with spirits who died of torture in world war II... its a camp of torture and many people died there... the road in front of my grandpa's place has more than ten people who died in acidents... including my cousin... the village worships ancestral worship and buddhism... and some people worship the wierdest gods... hahaha... to think i can get out of this complicated place without any trauma... am i traumatized? yes... i had a wierd dream when i was young... till now, i can still remember clearly... i even seen a padlock swaying left right without any wind blowing and without anyone touching it because i was there alone... sounds scary?! haha... to think i'm gonna bring my cg mates there if we're going backpacking... well... spiritually... yes... it sounds scary... but in actual... its the best place to retreat... i stand firm in the truth for many years already... over there... i had the happiest moment... and the peace... cos... its a test...a test of faith... and i have pass!! yay!!! well... its not a scary place at all... its the most relaxing place i've ever been to... even the newspaper had my uncle's garden in it... and one whole page somemore... so its a well known beautiful place... its my grandpa's place that is scary... even till now, my mom doesn't sleep or stay alone in the living room at night... hahaha... so funny... its her home somemore... okay... back to the topic...that man did came many times... i like his arrival... because when he comes, there's food!!!!!!! hahaha.... bat meat!!!!!! yum yum!!! squirrel meat!!!!!!!! yummy!!!!!!!!! oh dear... i am getting fatter... anyway... i had a great time... but the wierdest time too... a lot of things happened... but... i hate to type out the details... i am not a detailed person... that's why my guys in crusade and my cg guys always call me brother!! even deming call me that too.... ggrrrhhhh!!!! and i miss out my last bb & gb camp because i really want to send weetong off... he is now in michigan... finally... a pest is gotten rid off... hahah.... no la... i love him and shiauling so much... i miss them a lot kay... sigh~ look is going...
God cancelled my japan trip... he did not want me to go sawa... church retreat was cancelled... i think God is really telling me something... go back to your original plans... send look off and attend christine's wedding... and go backpacking!!!! is it really like that? i have no idea at all... ever since i joined zhuyang's cg... nothing good happened to me... oh yeah... i've been blessed to have so many good friends... but what about my grandpa's death? what about the east coast incident? what about the magic man? what about my studies? what about my gen12II project? what about so many things that i didn't mention...okay... the good things didn't happen to me... the best things did... i had my cg... i had my baptism... i have my crusader friends... and i have God back... but i lost so many... i even lost my health... am i confused? that's what i am going through then... now?? trying to figure out God's plan for me in this 2 months...
i hadn't really reconcile with my poly classmates...
haha... i'll try not to blog in the midnight anymore... always gets cranky... oh... i am just illustrating that place till like that... but its never like that... just feel like scaring people off last night....
liten shan@
3:38 AM
