Monday, April 07, 2003
frankie said i hadn't blog... so i shall blog...
i bought a new bed... no actually, my dad bought it... hehe... i got so addicted to zhiheng's game, i think i am starting to think properly... i usually don't think much... i hadn't use my brain for a long long time! cool... “Œ•û–¢–¾ is sooooo cool... i have surpassed my Žt•ƒ... hahaha!
hmm... applications to mongolia was closed... so i couldn't apply by the time i made the decision... okay... it was a small blow... not a great one cos no sooner did i realise or say we, we applied for the japan trip... now... all gen12ii overseas projects are abandoned in the light of sars and then, i went back to initial plans... to go to sawa instead... alright... i asked jabez about it and he talked to pastor leonard about it and they come up with the decision of not putting me up with this team... i expected a negative answer and soon i realise that i am not going anywhere!!!!!! okay... i have got nothing to say... i am just crestfallen... now i am back with my old plan, 'go back to malaysia' ... zhuyang always says that after going back to malaysia and coming back, i'll never be the same... unlike josh, he is going to at least three countries in the holidays... and i am going nowhere... sigh... i felt so cheated... sometimes, i wonder where my passion goes to... is it to the one above or is it just imagination... i read pris's email on purifying and refining silver, i guess He is trying to mould me, but for so many years... its really torturing... maybe i'll never find joy... or maybe i have not found joy... maybe God is trying to say... "san san, i'll not give you a break yet... I want you to continue in your trials and tribulations..." i remember zhuyang once said, God makes us goes through this and that and finally hope..." hmm...so God, can i have hope now... i feel so miserable!!!!!! frankie says i isolate myself... maybe... chris keeps encouraging...people keeps asking me to do this and that, say this and that...do not do or say this and that.... i can't remember who does... or maybe i do but what examples do people show to me then... hmm... i think i am being true to myself in this blog... but unfortunately, people do read my blog and somehow, its a pretty sensitive thingie... so, how can people show examples to me then... i have no idea... Jesus did not come down as an example, but he is an example to us... why then do people keeps implementing their ideas to me... alright, to frankie, josh and chris... i am not arrowing you guys just because i mention you guys... but somehow, your names just appear before that statement... somehow, i am thinking of someone on my mind... but i try not to mention... cos its in my mind.... yeah....
okay. about lying...raymond... i wonder whether he has sars... its okay if he lies... but have he thought of the consequeces... he'll be jailed for that... so, if anyone sees this, please let him know... we won't harm him but doesn't mean others won't... its tit for tat... about lying... i remember when i first came to singapore...i was so scared... its too scary!!! weilin actually lies in front of us to her mom... i exposed her and got a running down and isolation from that group of friends... slowly, i began to develop a some sort cannot keep secrets kinda girl... how can i... i am too upright... malaysia was cold...singapore was cold... when i was in kindergarden... no girls would want to play with me... even my neighbors... they think i am too straight... except the guys... especially the big brothers... they are always taking care of me... so, i was always rejected and alone...
should i mention that in my testimony? hmm... then, my dad was a staunch christian... i heard that they go church visiting when they got married... my mom just follows...my mom and dad always quarrels when i was young... my mom would then go back to her home and its my holidays... man... i would go back and not be left out... i know why... but when other older girls come, they'll push me away from my cousins and reject me... i didn't really know why... but i guess its because i am so much different... i tell you, i can speak better english when i was young rather than now... i used to speak properly... but all my classmates hated my accent... so i change to fit in... i realise i lost myself in the process... its hard to find my real persona... cos, i have been blinded by the evil world... oh yar, back to cousins... then, my weekends are my happiest time... you know those old kampong stories that our parents use to say... yeah, i have been through that... cos i'll always go back to kampong... haha... in the eyes of the kampong kids, i'm from the city... very different... in the eyes of the city raised children, i'm a village kid... hahaha!!!!
hmm.... continue next time...
liten shan@
10:05 PM
