Monday, January 13, 2003
HELP!!! WHO CAN HELP ME!!!! I doubt no one except God.. Aargh... Long zhuyang was suppose to help me!! I thought I was getting back normal... but all of a sudden, I feel like not getting anyone to help... I just need a little bit of encouragement... not rebuke... why does frankie likes to rebuke me so much.. why is it that whenever we talk, I never hear any good things coming out from his mouth.. I don't need him acting as a bad guy charfewacter.. cos zhuyang often act as one already.. john is also oene.. everyone likes to rebuke me.. i am not focused anymore... chris is not focused anymore.. why? i don't understand why in their mouth they speak of kindness but not a doer of one... who needs them act secretly when we don't feel that i had been encouraged.. why must i always take the initiative.. every week.. i expect a call from either from my cg or church ppl... no.. i only have calls from chris and icq msg from pris... only chris calls me out... only pris asks me out sometimes... last time.. mr pig update me with new movies and asks me out and some others... but now... forget it!! Aargh.. the thought of it.. sometimes it really freaks me out... how come this and that happens and i am kept in the dark... to think... pris says i am cranky and she says i might flare up... i really do hate life now.. the other day, i say a dead body covered with white canvas.. the person jumped from the building... now.. i really do feel like doing that... oh gosh.. what am i thinking... but this has always been my dream.. my dream is to jump down from a 72 storey building and then 'thud' no more sufferings, pains and everything that makes me depress.. then, i'll see God.. though, my inheritance in heaven might minus off a bit.. but.. I am really tired of living in such a cruel world.. oh yes.. sometimes ppl will say that i am cowardly.. who cares.. i just hate to continue being a pest in the society or so everyone thinks... I know God loves me so and so and so.. but human is different.. i still have to face them everyday... bah... i know its even more courageous to continue living than face death.. buts its so tiring to continue living in a life and place full of deceits... i just can't continue to be funny and lively and nice and always chatty and always taking initiatives and always showing kindness(be good la.. read my archive on kindness).. I cannot comprehend why people think i can.. i can.. i can.. i can.. i cannot!!!! Aaaaaaaaargh... life.... aaarrrghhh.. shakespeares... aaargh... 'die.. die.. die... '(from midsummer's night dream).. someone please help me... God... i pray that you'll send someone to counsel and deliver me.. I don't want that pig... he is too busy to even listen to my nonsense... or so called depressing stuffs... nevermind... depression is always long and arduous to conquer.. but God, please send someone who can be patient with me.. even if i spout nonsense and stupid stuffs.. and able to tolerate me.. in Jesus name.. Amen...