Saturday, December 28, 2002
Dreams will always be a dream... sigh... I had the wierdest dream in my life... It was also the most beautiful dream I think... Don't know why... It was so real that I feel like making it into a movie... Hehe... I dreamt that I'm in love... Well, I'm guessing that Christina's questions went into my dream... If only she don't keep asking whether I want to be in love or not... This question has been in mind and twirling about.... Why does Chris keep asking me this... haha... The dream was beautiful because of the settings... I strolled the streets that I've never strolled before... People that I have never seen before... Hmm... strangely, its was like a movie or a drama... Considering I have been wanting to buy vcds to watch before school reopens, this is one of the most beautiful drama I have ever seen then... Man.. Its still a dream... I really love the streets...I was strolling alone with a scarf... I wonder whether if its London... I hardly have colored dreams... Hehe... Anyway, this dream did not spur my love life... But more towards my love for films and photography... I know I can't enrol for Film, Sound and Video in ngee ann anymore... But I would continue to pursue that dream of mine... I want to be a director actually... or just a camera man... or just a photographer... I don't care.. I just want to be any one of them... That's not my ultimate end point, that's my love man... But I do hope I don't end up becoming an engineer... That's so dead... I never liked engineering... and I don't even know why I am doing it... Today, I went kilat and had a gathering with the year 1s..and some of the leaders around... No girls did mechanical engineering... ah uh... some did engineering though.. but they were logistics and informatics... not the tough and tiring ones... I starts to quiet down myself and think of what I should do... Nope, life ain't gonna change by just thinking... 2 months ago, I had a dispute from everyone from my class in poly, and everyone hates me... maybe except for shixin... but I have no idea how to continue my life in ngee ann.. My only thoughts was... if only Dane was there, then he could talk to me in class... But he went to Australia to look for his girlfriend.... so he won't be able to be there to accompany me anymore... he is a nice guy though.... just because his girlfriend left him to australia to study, he went into depression and lost 9 kg!! I want to go into depression... but everytime i gets depress... i look for food... haha... so, how can i lose 9 kg!!! Though Jules is also doing the same course as me... he is older and he sticks with his friends.. and I never liked his buncha friends... Jules will never meet me for lunch... I have no idea who would lunch with me when school starts... my kakis turns out to be my nemesis... they are all non christians... sometimes... i am so depress but who is there for me? sometimes i wonder why should i console or comfort people who are older than me?? especially girls.. why should i take care of them and make sure i send them home.. making sure that i can protect them... hey! if anyone stabs me from behind, who will protect me then? guys.. i know you guys think i should protect and and take care of them because you guys trust my abilities.. but when i am vunerable.. all you guys did is rebuke me.. give me a scolding and then thinks i can solve the problems all by myself... hey.. don't ask me to pray first ok.. cos the first thing i'll always do is pray in mind... even before i break down... thinking back... many things had happened to me this year... sickness, deaths, conflicts, studies, family conflicts... everything bad you can think of happened to me this year... In my whole 17 years 10 months and 20days.. i have never been so sick of life before till this year... 2002 is really a year to be got rid of.. how i wish i could... alright.. good ole` joshua will say... ain't this exciting... yar right.. because things do not happen directly on him! it happens onto me for goodness sake! how much sadness and sorrows... so much.... to think back... its gonna be a long list....i'll do the ''list'' next time.. right now...i just hope that everyone will leave me alone and let me finish the year in peace! I am so tired of everything now.. Please let me off for once... God! Please help me!!